Films and television shows would have us believe that conceiving a child is the easiest thing in the world. For some this may be true. But for many couples, getting pregnant seems almost impossible.
And so we seek the help and guidance from fertility specialists, convinced modern technology will help us create the family we’ve been dreaming of. We begin treatments with the hope that one of them will finally take.
Along the way, we feel a multitude of emotions, from shame and guilt to fear and sadness. Oh, and let’s not forget the unmitigated mental exhaustion.
If you are going through your own infertility journey and can relate to all of this, here are some tips to help you navigate:
You’re Not Alone
If all of your friends are having babies, your relatives have had babies, and it seems like the whole world (but you) is having babies, understand that you are not alone. In fact, one in six couples in Canada struggles to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy.
Focus on the Present
Often, experiencing challenges with conception make it very easy to slip into thought patterns of predicting or anticipating the worst or dreaming about how life will be at some future moment. Being present in the now will help you appreciate what you presently have and lower the impact of stress on your body.
Self-Care
The healthier you are, the better your chances of becoming pregnant. It’s easy to let stress build-up, and then give in to those comfort food cravings. But now is the time to take optimal care of your mind, body and spirit. Eat whole foods, drink plenty of filtered water and get plenty of rest. Stay away from toxic people and situations and prioritize your well-being.
Connect with Others
It’s not always easy to discussing infertility with family, friends, or in the workplace. Often, people want to keep these challenges private to avoid having to have difficult conversations or getting unsolicited advice. However, keeping all this to yourself, or just between yourself and your partner can feel very isolating. Consider connecting with resources such as FMC Atlantic provinces Support Groups
You may also find it helpful to speak with a therapist who can help you navigate the powerful emotions you and your partner are feeling. I help couples who are struggling with infertility talk more clearly with each other about what they are going through and find ways to navigate this difficult and potentially discouraging journey more effectively. I’d love to help you.
Good communication is the key to positive sex experiences in pregnancy & postpartum, but talking about the changes and challenges that might come up in your sex life was likely the last thing on your mind when you found out that you would be soon be expecting a baby.
In some ways, this is not surprising. Only a minority of women (29%) who participated in a research study about the connection between a positive sexual self and a more positive experience of pregnancy reported that their prenatal care providers discussed sexuality with them. As important as open communication is with your care provider, being comfortable communicating about your sexual pleasure during pregnancy and postpartum with your partner is also a key ingredient in having a positive sexual connection.
Research finds that comfort with sexual communication is directly linked to satisfaction in the bedroom. Self-disclosure and being open when communicating with one’s partner, is also associated with relationship satisfaction. But even though communicating openly about sexual issues is important, it can also be very hard. It’s not uncommon to feel embarrassed, “dirty” or awkward requesting what you want explicitly in your relationship. but communication is key to positive sex experiences in pregnancy & postpartum.
What to expect (in the bedroom) When Expecting Generally, unless your doctor or midwife has specific reasons for you to not have sex, it’s absolutely safe — for you, your partner, and your developing baby.
Interestingly, women who have orgasms during pregnancy benefit from the release of calming hormones and increased cardiovascular blood flow. Those benefits get even passed down to baby.
However, during the first trimester, you may feel exhausted, nauseous and emotionally exhausted. Fifty-eight percent of women in a Canadian study reported that their desire dwindled during pregnancy. If your experience is the opposite of this, know that you are not alone; pregnancy affects people’s sex drives in different ways.
During the second trimester, you may physically begin to feel a little better. Because of increased blood flow to your vagina, your sex dive may even increase. But, as you begin to show a little more, your partner can be affected, not only because you look and feel different, but because as the pregnancy progresses, they will see and feel the baby move. This can bring on some fearful feelings for the non-pregnant partner.
If the two of you aren’t used to having vulnerable conversations about difficult topics, it may feel like you are struggling to communicate effectively about how pregnancy and postpartum affects your sex life. Working towards improving communication is key to positive sex experiences in pregnancy & postpartum.
In the last trimester, being intimate can feel more challenging, simply because the baby has gotten so big and finding positions that are comfortable for everyone can be difficult. At times like this, being able to communicate about sex during pregnancy and postpartum is so important. It can help both partners to enjoy sex throughout the pregnancy. Being able to communicate with each other about which position are more comfortable, whether intimate activities like oral sex feel pleasurable or if non-sexual touch is a more natural way to connect.
Sex after Delivery You’ve spent hours picking out the perfect name, choosing the right crib and car seat and scouring parenting books. And then, the reality suddenly dawns on you…everything about having your first baby isn’t as magical as you hoped it would be.
Sleepless nights, leaky boobs and being touched or snuggled nearly 24/7 can take a toll on a your postpartum sex life. And, as enjoyable as you sex life had been before baby, the thought of being intimate may the furthest thing from your mind. At times like this, communication is key to positive sex experiences in pregnancy & postpartum so both partners can feel heard, understood and supported.
Dr. Natalie Rosen, who is a Halifax based psychologist and conducts research with her team at the Couples and Sexual Health Research Laboratory found 50% of pregnant North American women report being given absolutely no information about changes that may occur to their sexual relationship after childbirth. In response to this, she and her team created a video series to address the most common sexual concerns that new parents have.
Good Communication Is Key to Positive Sex Experiences in Pregnancy & Postpartum. John and Julie Gottman, who are therapists and relationship experts, found in their research from the Bringing Baby Home program that almost 2/3 of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction up to three years after having a baby. The 1/3 of couples that reported higher levels of satisfaction had a things in common; they were able to share in the transition together by cultivating a strong sense of friendship, practicing healthy conflict management, and tackled the varying needs of a newborn as a team.
There are seasons, like pregnancy and postpartum, when “capacity and tolerance for sex fluctuates”. In fact, building intimacy and connection during these times is critical, and this does not come just from the sex act itself. Hugging, holding hands, snuggling, kissing all foster intimacy. So does good communication and a commitment to emotional intimacy.
The Gottman’s suggest building what they call “Love Maps” which really comes down to knowing the little things about your partner to create a strong foundation for your friendship and intimacy. In their series “Gottsex” they suggest some of the following conversation starters
*Can you recall some good moments of sex between us?
*What did we do that made you feel closer to me?
*What made you feel relaxed?
*What made you feel ready for touch and sensuality?
*What makes you feel connected to me?
*What makes you more in touch with your body?
They have also created a very useful app where you can explore what they call ‘salsa cards’ to help you turn towards, talk about and explore sexually with your partner.
Open and honest communication with your partner is an essential ingredient to building greater intimacy and sexual satisfaction in pregnancy and postpartum. If are looking to build a deeper emotional connection or want help learning to talk openly about any aspect of your relationship, including your sex life, with your partner, couples counselling can help.
If you struggle with feeling like you’re a fake, feeling less worthy than other people or criticizing yourself for mistakes, you may be feeling what is called impostor syndrome.
Maybe you’re familiar with the anxiety that shows up when you start to wonder how long it will take before someone “catches on to you”. You can’t help but feel like you “have them all fooled”, but are convinced that before long someone will realize that you are not as competent as they had believed.
If this has been your experience, you are not alone. An estimated 70% of people struggle with this at some point in their lives according to this article in the International Journal of Behavioural Science.
WHAT IS IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
Impostor syndrome, is not really a syndrome or a medical diagnosis, but you’ve likely heard of this phenomena. These painful thoughts and emotions often lead people strive for perfection, set unrealistic goals and feel paralyzed by negative judgements and self-doubt.
It was initially defined by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s.Through this work, Clance noticed that struggling with profound feelings of self-doubt can lead to anxiety and low self-confidence.
In a more recent book, Unlocking Your Authentic Self, the author Jennifer Hunt, notes that “people with impostor syndrome under value and under appreciate their own skills and talents”
Women (and men!) who struggle with impostor syndrome may feel like they are always wearing a mask and hiding their more authentic selves.
Valerie Young, author of “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women” notes that people who struggle with impostor syndrome can have trouble putting their thoughts and feelings into perspective. They magnifying their view of themselves and their mistakes and fail to recognizing that others make them, too.
To make things worse, people who struggle this kind on negative self-judgement will also attribute often their successes to luck or other factors beyond their control.
Talk about a no win situation!
In her work with people struggling with impostor syndrome, Young created a ‘rule book’, helping people to identify the unconscious rules in their mind that they hold themselves to in order to feel competent. These rules tend to begin with “should,” “always,” or “never.”
Which of these ‘rules’ do you identify with?
These rigid rules and fixed ways of responding can keep us stuck in unworkable, draining behaviours. These behaviours persist, because in the short term they serve a function; perhaps they decrease our anxiety or silence our inner critic. However, in the long term they lead us to increased emotional pain and exhaustion.
Wonder if you are experiencing Impostor Syndrome?,
Feelings of never being good enough and not measuring up not only impact the workplace, but can spill over in to your relationships and home life.A 2019 study published by the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology found that employees who experience persistent thoughts of feeling like a fake were emotionally drained and struggled to maintain family and work demands, even though they were highly accomplished individuals.
This is because it is emotionally exhausting and discouraging to feel stuck struggling to measure up. rapped in this way of thinking and judging yourself,ese unworkable ways of responding, you can easily become exhausted, discouraged and stuck. There is evidence pointing to a connection between impostor syndrome and burnout, and in my work with women at my counselling practice, I see this happening for many women; from stay-at-home moms to all kinds of professions .
1)Notice how you feel
According to Dr. Jennifer Hunt, people that struggle with impostor syndrome may have a harder time with emotion regulation.She states that people internalize their emotions and believe them to be 100% true rather than recognizing them as temporary and changeable.They may be prone to holding onto thoughts and feelings from the past, overthinking, forecasting into the future.
This reminds me of ‘The Sushi Train’ metaphor by Russ Harris.
The better we get a noticing our emotions, naming them and allowing them to come and go in their own good time, the less emotional energy we expend on trying to fix or get rid and the less impact they have on us.
When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.
Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.
Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.
Give it Attention
That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.
Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.
Separate Yourself from Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic is like a parasite, feeding off you. You were not born with this parasite but acquired it along the way. Your inner critic hopes it can hide and blend in, and that you’ll think ITS thoughts are your own.
You have to separate yourself from this parasite. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss. Annoying Loudmouth.” It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.
4) Face the REAL Reality
Are you someone that generalizes your self-criticisms? By that I mean, do you make generalities about yourself such as, “I’m an idiot,” when you make a mistake? The truth is, we all make mistakes from time-to-time, and this mistake does not make you an idiot.The sum of who you are is greater than this mistake.
If you’re going to work on stepping out from the grip of impostor syndrome, you need to first recognize that you might be keeping yourself stuck with these generalities.
To see this more clearly, make a list of 10 of your strengths and 10 weaknesses.
When you’re done making this list, ask yourself if any of these things are true about you 100% of the time.I bet not.Remind yourself that these are behaviours you can choose to engage in (or not) but they don’t define you.That way, you can choose to respond more flexibly rather than out of these generalities.
4) Practice self-compassion
If you want to defeat an enemy, you need to have a powerful ally on your side. It’s important at this juncture to create an even more powerful inner voice. One that is on your side and acts as your BFF.
To create this new voice,respond to yourself the way you would to a good friend or someone you love very much.Acknowledge that this is a difficult moment and that it is painful. Offer yourself some kind, encouraging words.
Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up.
To learn more about self compassion, check out some of my other blogs on the topic.
If you are struggling with impostor syndrome, anxiety or self doubt and need support and guidance, don ‘t hesitate to reach out. I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit. All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.
Our brains are just like giant problem solving machines, always on the look out for danger or problems that might be going on in our surroundings that requires our attention.
From a biological perspective, responding to the cues our brain gives us about danger has been useful for ensuring our survival.The way our brain functions continues to serve us well in many ways such as when we need to get out of the way of a car that hasn’t seen us as we’re crossing the road.
However, more often than not, the struggle with anxiety, or more specifically the struggle to get to get rid of anxiety, can leave us feeling discouraged, isolated and hopeless, believing that things will never change.
If you find yourself feeling anxious, you are not alone!
The National Post reported on a recent poll surveying 1,500 Canadians. It found that 41% of people identified themselves as someone who struggles with anxiety and 33% of people had been formally diagnosedwith an anxiety disorder.
Statistically speaking, anxiety disorders are the most prevalent mental health condition.They are more common in women and peak during midlife.
For some people, anxiety is an uncomfortable but fleeting feeling that pops up on occasion during particularly stressful times.
However, for many others, anxiety may be more present and colour more of their daily life.
Either way, there are some sticky lies that anxiety likes to tell us that get us stuck in a struggle to get rid or or eliminate our anxiety.
It is this struggle that’s can amplify and worsen our experience of anxiety and decrease our ability to cope effectively.
Does any of this sound familiar?
1) You Need to Solve Every Problem Anxiety Dredges Up
How often are you aware of your own thoughts? Our thoughts tend to bubble up from our subconscious without much control from our conscious mind. For those experiencing anxiety, many of these thoughts will be negative and frightening.They may seem very compelling for us to try and solve.
Often, anxious thoughts are not rooted in the present, they are about things yet to come in the future or events and regrets from the past that haunt us and trigger our inner critic who floods us with judgement.
We anticipate the worst, try to problems solve scenarios that have yet to happen or beat ourselves up for perceived failings.
We get lost in our heads overthinking, problem solving and criticizing ourselves, hoping to control, prevent or avoid these terrible scenarios.
We get stuck spinning our wheels, and flooding ourselves with stress hormones and we play terrible scenarios over and over again in our minds.
Tip:
One helpful thing you can try when this happens comes from Russ Harris, one of the pioneers of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.He calls this ‘Thanking Your Mind’.This allows you to notice the crap your mind is saying, briefly acknowledge it, and turn your focus back to more meaningful activities.
Check out this video for a demonstration of how this works:
2) There is Something Wrong With You
Beyond frightful emotions, anxiety often comes with physical sensations like tightness in the chest, rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. In other words, it can feel like you are dying. The more we notice these strange sensations in our body, the more that the sensations can amplify and consume ever more of our attention. This creates an anxiety feedback loop in our body and can be very distressing.
Tip:
Slow, deep breaths have been shown to instantly calm a person. The most important part of this, is to focus on exhaling all the air out of your lungs.Try breathing in for a count of 4 and breathing out for a count of 6. Your heart rate will slow, your muscles will relax, your entire body will return to a normal state of being. Don’t underestimate the power of just taking a moment to breathe.
3) You’re the Only One
But you’re not.
Remind yourself of that ancient dialogue your mind and body are having and know that, in reality, this is something that happens to others too.
One of the things that can happen for people who struggle with anxiety is that they can begin to view themselves as flawed, broken or damaged as a result.This does nothing to ease anxiety, but rather increases the pain of it by layering on negative self-judgement.
Tip:Practice self-compassion.Respond to yourself in the same way you would a good friend who was having a similar experience.Self-compassion and coaching yourself through a difficult moment with kindness can help you build resilience and navigate anxious moments more effectively
4) You’ll Always Feel Like This
Once you learn to be an observer of your thoughts and learn how to stay present in the moment using your breath, and apply self-compassion by reminding yourself that you areknowing you are having a natural reaction to what your brain (amygdala) perceive as a threat, you can navigate difficult moments of anxiety more effectively.
While anxiety may still show up, you can learn to handle moments of anxiety more effectively.Over time and with practice, it is possible to behave in ways that give your life more richness and meaning and feel that anxiety has less on an impact.
If after reading this you think that you might benefit from some help learning to manage anxiety more effectively, don’t hesitate to reach out! I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit. All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.
A recent Bloomberg report showed an interesting trend; sales were up — way up — for all types of comfort foods, including popcorn (48 per cent), pretzels (47 per cent) and potato chips (30 per cent) compared to a year ago.
What is it about isolation, stress and the disorienting way each day blends into the next that has people reaching for salty snack foods as a form of comfort?
Honestly, it’s less about hunger than it is about how we use food.
We use it to self-soothe.
To numb ourselves against our anxieties about the unknown.
We use it to distract ourselves from the stress and unresolved emotions we’re experiencing.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying food during a rough time, but when it becomes our ‘go to’ to quell boredom, stress and to manage our emotional experiences, it’s worth taking note.
What is Emotional Eating
‘Emotional eating’ is the term people often use when talking about snacking on comfort foods especially when they are not truly hungry.
In those moments what we are really looking for is comfort in our bodies and our lives and we are using food to distract or cut ourselves off from our emotional state, rather than because of hunger.
The problem with emotional eating, you may have discovered, is that it doesn’t work.
In the moment it brings you temporary relief, but once you’re done eating, you might even feel worse.
Eating can all too easily become a strategy for coping with a low mood, anxiety, boredom, stress, and anger.
During this crisis, when we are spending more time in our homes, it’s understandable that we may be relying on food as a coping mechanism more often than we ordinarily would. This is not to say that you should never rely on food for comfort, but that it is important to have an awareness of why you are reaching for food and a to have a range of coping strategies in addition to eating.
Slow Down & Check in
Before you reach into your cupboard or fridge, slow down.Take a few breaths and check in with yourself.Are you really hungry?
Or, is there some other emotion that is coming up for you?
Maybe you are bored, anxious, frustrated or worried.
First, slow down and take a few deep breaths. Try breathing in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 6. Take at least 10 breaths.
Try Something New
If eating has been your only coping strategy, it is good to add new tools to your toolbox. Consider trying out some other activities that you can turn to, rather than food, to help you soothe, distract, or discharge some emotional energy. These will be unique to each individual.
Here are a list of some new things you can test out:
We are wired for connection with others and isolation is psychologically very difficult.While we cannot be physically close to our friends, family, teammates and colleagues, we can connect virtually.
My son is doing strength training with his swim team; something I never would have imagined possible, but it has been very helpful for maintaining a routine and connection with people who are important to him.
Who can you connect with in a creative way?
Coffee and FaceTime a friend?
Wine and dinner online with someone special?
Netflix watch party?
Be Kind to Yourself
Research shows that the more the more understanding and forgiving we are of ourselves, the more motivated we are to do what we need to take care of ourselves, including eating well.
Self compassion can also help guard against the feelings of failure that can arise when you ‘hijack’ your best efforts to eat well.Self-compassion can help you get back on track rather than beating yourself up.
Here are some helpful reads here and here on practicing self-compassion
Seek Help
You do not have to go through this time alone. Even if you live alone or have limited means, there are resources and supports available to you. I am currently providing online services to help clients gain the skills and the tools they need to handle the stress and anxiety of COVID-19 more effectively. I’m offering reduced fee spots for those that have been impacted by job or income loss during this crisis and the option of 30 minute focused sessions to help keep you on track, if longer appointments won’t work for now.
How many mornings have you shut off that alarm, wishing you could just work from home in your PJs? Well now many of us are getting our wish thanks to COVID-19.
While in theory working from home may seem ideal, the reality for many of us is that it’s, well, kind of a pain. Particularly if you have young children home from school and daycare that you now have to teach and supervise while still keeping productive at work.
The fact is, this sudden and unexpected disruption to our daily lives has many of us feeling stressed!
Here are some expert tips on coping effectively while working from home.
1. Find a Hideout
If you don’t have a dedicated home office, you’ll want to figure something out. Having the right space at home will help you focus on the task at hand. It will also automatically set boundaries with family and help you cope more effectively while working from home.
Do you have a spare room you can use? Is there an area in your finished basement that could work?
Truth is, the space itself doesn’t have to be too big or fancy; I’ve taken over our basement bathroom that was in the midst of a renovation and moved in a chair, lamp and tv tray to get my work done without interruptions.
2. Keep Your Regular Schedule
You may want to treat the next 2-3 weeks as a sort of family vacation, but it’s best if you and the kids stick to your regular routines to help cope effectively while working from home. That means getting up and going to bed at the same time, showering, getting dressed and having breakfast as you normally would. Meal planning is a real plus too!
Your kids are also trying to adjust to a new normal. Keeping younger kids on their nap schedule is important, so you can have uninterrupted time to focus on your work while they rest.
If you have older kids, make sure they know what to expect. Sit down together and plan our your day. Make sure they know what they can do to keep busy for those times that you are unavailable.
Here is a list of activities to keep them busy while you are getting some work done.
Set the pomodoro timer (traditionally to 25 minutes).
Work on the task.
End work when the timer rings and put a checkmark on a piece of paper.
If you have fewer than four checkmarks, take a short break (3–5 minutes), then go to step 2.
After four pomodoros, take a longer break (15–30 minutes), reset your checkmark count to zero, then go to step 1.
This way of breaking your day up into blocks of focused work and breaks can help increase productivity and keep your kids on track too by giving them only a short time they need to keep themselves busy.
If you have a partner at home who can switch off ‘kid duties’ with you, try alternating who is doing pomodoros and who is keeping an eye on the kids. This one hack might be exactly what you need to cope more effectively while working from home.
4. Set the Bar Low
You do not have to be the next Mary Poppins! It is really hard to work at home with your kids out of school and daycare.
No, your house won’t be as tidy as you like. Now that kids are home 24/7 there is so much more opportunity for messes to be made!
Yes, they will likely have more screen time and junk food than they would ordinarily eat.
It’s so hard, especially if you lean towards perfectionism, to let things go. But this is a marathon and not a sprint! Perfectionism leads to increased stress, self-criticism and emotional exhaustion. We don’t know how quickly this will all come to an end.
Keep the bar low and learn to practice greater self-compassion, focusing on self-care and prioritize your most important relationships.
5. Know When to Quit
Now that there are virtually no boundaries between your work and home life, it is easy to get sucked into working longer hours than you intend.
Sometimes people use work as a distaction, which, given the current circumstances, might be an easy trap to fall into.
Other times, people get caught up in their work without the natural interruptions such as daycare pick ups and afterschool activities that force and end to the work day.
While working from home it’s important to have a set end time and stick to it. Have a friend or partner hold you accountable if this is something you struggle with.
If after reading this you feel that you’d benefit from some additional support with managing the stresses of work/life balance, don’t hestitate to reach out. I offer free 15 minute consultation appointments so we can make sure we’ll be a good fit. All of my appointments are being done online through a secure video platform or by phone for people who live anywhere in Nova Scotia.
